Thesis Statements - August 28
An event in my life that truly shaped my identity being to scared or shy in school. As this year becoming the end, I have made friends in 6th grade and I think that I can build a great friend group and become an excellent student moving forward.
Feedback:
Star: Effective writing deals with complex topics and is often vulnerable. Your choice to discuss your timidity in school is a courageous selection which will prove to be rewarding for both you and your readers as they will relate when they go through similar struggles. It also allows you to reflect back on your experiences and make sense of them for further personal growth. .
Further development: Effective writing makes sure to clearly answer the question that has been asked. Be careful when answering the question as “being too scared or shy” is not technically an “event” although you could call it a “season” in your life. The question also asked how the “event” or “season” shaped your identity. I find that your second sentence does not answer this question but shifts focus to how you have since made friends.
An event that has significantly shaped who I was today, was when I transferred from a public school to a private school in fourth grade. It was a lot different than what I expected it to be, as well as a lot harder. Looking back at this time, this season has made me try my best to be a better student, do good in school, and be a hardworking student in the future.
Feedback:
Star: Effective writing approaches brave, vulnerable and life changing topics. I enjoyed your choice of topic as I believe that changing schools is a very hard experience and certainly one worth writing about.
Further development: Effective writing is differentiated and varied in ideas. Your second sentence says the same thing in three different ways - “be a better student” “do good in school” “be hardworking.” Try and think of other ways that changing schools affected you. Did it impact you emotionally? Socially?
An event that has changed my life is when I decided to start babysitting, when I started babysitting I got a peek into the lives of younger children, which I have forgotten over the years for my life.
Feedback:
Star: Effective writing presents thoughtful and insightful ideas. Your choice of discussing babysitting is a unique and thoughtful selection.
Further development: Effective writing is sure to answer the questions presented and provide details. The question was how this unique event or season shaped or developed your identity. You said that you got “a peek into the lives of younger children” - what did you find there? How specifically did babysitting change or shape your identity?
An event that shaped my identity would be me traveling to another country. In that country, I learned a lot of things and even enjoyed the food there. I also came to believe to avoid certain numbers. I even learned the language of that country, which was very hard.
Feedback:
Star: Effective writing presents thoughtful and insightful ideas. Your choice of discussing your travels to another country is such a great choice as there are many details you can share.
Further development: Effective writing is sure to answer the questions presented and provide details. The question was how this unique event or season shaped or developed your identity. While you do list a lot of things that you experience there, the focus should be centered on how the experience changed you as a person.
An event that has shaped my identity, is dance it has taught me to be confident, and healthy. Also meeting Elaine my most closest friend at school and in general, she is very different from people as i like to say. Meeting her has shaped how i am today, because she influenced me to be more optimistic, and have fun.
Feedback:
Star: Effective writing presents thoughtful and insightful ideas. Your choice of discussing dance, an activity which is very important for you, is an effective idea as there will be a lot that you can say.
Further development: Effective writing is clear and approaches one idea at a time. Your thesis statement deals with two very different ideas - dance and also, meeting your friend Elaine. I would say that you should choose one topic to develop.
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